I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
