Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
About to throw up
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
What’s the point buying it then?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded