Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
