I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
i love modern commerce
