If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.