My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
😩😩😩
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.