A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Just grow your own
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me too
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent