*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Many hands make light work
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter