A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me