I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
I’m not sorry.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
