“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
rebranding
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
