Just a phase…
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell