My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Worth a try
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I am, perchance
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Brb my Sims are getting married