I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
absolutely not
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
dogs can find happiness so easily
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
