Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
2 years later
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
You’ll be OK
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour