My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad