Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.