Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
It’s the weekend y’all
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: