He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I have never related to a cat more
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.