Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
It’s the weekend y’all
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!