Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”