More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
New nose
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Always the vampires
