i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.