Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Grew big
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
