I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.