Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
saving face 👀
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
pizza
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.