I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine