If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
