Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Mornin
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.