I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Mornin
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?