local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Do not steal food from the science building!
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
choose your fighter
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”