smartest karate player in the world
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No