Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Sir!!
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
