As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If you need a laugh.. 😅
beware of dog
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
TODAY
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
based al yankovic
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU