no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?