12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
looks legit
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
