Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
