The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I can’t stop watching this.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
how to have an accident 101
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.