me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Things will get butter, keep churning
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
it must be school picture day
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.