A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.