Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now