I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Are you ok, human???
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Not today. 😅