If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
the three branches of government
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.