My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
dads on road-trips be like
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
what
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right