Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 馃
God: you鈥檙e a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I鈥檓 a bird but I can鈥檛 fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN鈥橳.
Kiwi: really what鈥檚 that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she鈥檚 absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Just when I鈥檝e finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT