If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
it was a valiant fight
