The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
