I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
You were the one.
when a toddler tells a story
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
I’m the neighbor
