two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Can you solve the riddle??
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
