They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…